38 by 38

Actually, now this series should be called "38 by 39" since my birthday was on Sunday! Perhaps I will find that I really haven't learned as much as I thought I had! Ah well, humility is a good thing.

Anyway, one thing I learned early on in my parenting career is that some friendships can be hindered by the parenting styles of your friends. For example, I had a good friend who did not teach her children how to behave around others and thought that her toddlers' demanding and aggressive behaviour was just her boys "expressing themselves". Her "little darlings" were so difficult to be around that while I enjoyed the company of the mother, I could not stand to be around the children. Unfortunately, many other people in the church felt the same way about these children and it was clear that the parents would not control the boys. So our family could not get together with this other family for social occasions and for the rare times when we did, our family left stressed and frustrated. Now that the boys are teens, they are a bit better, but still lack social skills that would help them get along with others and in life. This is a shame because the parents are wonderful people and they have not passed down those admirable qualities to their children.

When Hannah was a little tyke, I had a friend that had a daughter who was a year older. This little girl was aggressive and hit other children a lot. When we went over to visit, Hannah would inevitably end up crying within minutes (and she is a tough cookie, so she must have been hit hard). Since the mother (who was a good parent and really tried to get her daughter to develop more self control) was unable to keep her child from hitting everyone, I was not able to continue our play dates and could just meet with the mother from then on. Eventually, the friendship fizzled. I strongly suspect food allergies or other hidden health issues were complicating her parenting efforts, but I cannot confirm that.

Of course, no one will raise their children perfectly and no child is perfect, but I have seen that when parents are not invested in helping their children learn the basic skills of getting along with others, they are handicapping their children both now and in the future. Some children are more of a challenge than others and require much more time and loving effort on the part of the parent, but it is so worth it! We owe it to our children to teach them self control and how to express their needs and feelings constructively. Parents need to stay emotionally connected and involved at each stage of childhood, even when it is tiring and it seems like the struggles will never end. When I have seen parents lovingly and consistently work with their children, I have respect for them, no matter how their children are behaving at the time. And now that I have had Hope for a daughter, I can empathize more fully with parents who have more difficult children! She has worn me out at times but I can say again and again that consistency and loving discipline works!

I list this as one of the things I have learned since it was surprising to me that my friendships after I had children were based more on the compatibility of our whole families rather than just compatibility with the other woman. Since I have always homeschooled, my children are almost always with me and thus friendships have had an added dimension to them.