March 23, 2007

Today is the anniversary of my mother's death, one of the most significant events in my life. I realized today that this particular anniversary of nineteen years since 1988 means that I have lived exactly half of my life without her. In remembering, I think of the lessons I have learned from this experience.

I realized early on - probably around age ten when she was first diagnosed with cancer- that life is short and unpredictable. I knew I didn't want to come to the end of my life, no matter how long it may be, and have regrets about what I should have done or shouldn't have done. I determined that I would not waste time on things that were not important to me.

Many of my life choices have been based on these resolutions made as a child. I married a man who I knew was a good, sincere Christian who wanted the same things out of life that I did. We have been committed to each other and to our family and have tried to keep our priorities in focus as the storms of life have tossed us around.

We homeschool for many reasons but the deciding factor for me ten years ago when we started with Hannah was that I wanted to really know my children and have them know me. How could that happen if they were gone six to eight hours a day? When mom was in the final months of her cancer, I took a break from college and stayed with her. I remember following her around the house while she watered the plants, just soaking up the conversation, knowing that time was short. I had enjoyed public school for the most part but the education I received at home has been far more valuable to me as a Christian wife and mother than anything from the classroom. I am grateful for a system (homeschooling) that allows me to fulfill the need for academic excellence as well as growing and learning together with my husband and children as a family.

I think I would have done this anyway, but knowing that life is unpredictable has helped me be more affectionate with my husband and children, always giving hugs and kisses throughout the day and plenty of "I love you's" are said. I don't want to die without my family knowing how much they mean to me.

I became much more conscious of my diet after my mom died. I read that being a vegetarian could lower cancer rates, so I became one for about seven years after her death. Now we eat meat, but we also eat lots of fruits and vegetables and all of our food is organic (and most is prepared from scratch at home). I am also careful about chemicals and clean our home with more natural cleansers like Bon Ami.

I have learned that I will never stop grieving the loss of my mother on this side of heaven. While this loss no longer affects my day-to-day life, the times when I have experienced other significant losses such as the death of our son, Josiah, at five months gestation, I find myself re-grieving the loss of her as well. I have learned that having loved ones in heaven makes me long for heaven more and motivates me to pray all the more for the salvation of my children and grandchildren. (All of my children have made a profession of faith and two have been baptized.)

Finally, I learned that God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we hoped, no matter how many people are praying for healing and how sincere your prayers are. When mom first died, I thought that when I got to heaven, the first thing I would ask would be, "Why did my wonderful Christian mother have to die so young?" But as I matured, I realized that the reason didn't matter. God is God and whatever He does is right, no matter how things may look to me at the time. So this last lesson I learned is to trust and rest in His goodness (and to hang on tight).